The Aftermath

Well, it's time for the super long play-by-play of childbirth that no one really wants to read, but I need to get down so that I don't forget all the details!

First, let me calm any fears you may have that I am deep in the throes of postpartum depression. After having the baby and seeing her face, a lot of the fear and stress left immediately. I still have moments of the "Baby Blues" mostly when I am overwhelmed or really tired, but for the most part things have been good.

Okay, so let me start off with a few pictures taken in the last weeks of pregnancy.

This picture was taken at 38 weeks, I believe. I couldn't believe how big my bell had gotten, basically overnight! So I took a picture of it for two of my bestie's as proof!

So this is actually two different pictures within DAYS of each other. The one on the left I look like a huge whale, all spread out and crazy, and then two or three days later, the baby dropped and she was like a ball in my stomach! I just had to document that.

Since I was at risk for gestational hypertension, and had gestational diabetes, my doctor decided he didn't want me to go over my due date. I REALLY didn't want to be induced, because the induction with Christian was horrible, but having her come on her own was not meant to be. We ended up at the hospital on June 10th, 2013 at 7:00 am. I got all checked in and they started the induction process. My body was not ready, I was only dilated to a 1, my cervix was really not soft or anything. My doctor wanted to give me the misoprostal pills vaginally (thanks doc) to help soften my cervix and get the contractions started. These were given every 4 hours. With Christian, I was only able to have 2 doses of this before my contractions got too close together and they had to switch to pitocin. This time around, I was able to take 5 doses before my body started to take over on the contractions. The only lame part of miso is that you have to lay on one side for an hour after it is given, then you can use the restroom and then you have to lay on your side for a second hour. This is killer for a pregnant woman who CAN'T get comfortable to save her life! Since my blood pressure was good though, after the second hour, I was able to get up and go walking. Jared and I walked all over the hospital trying to get the contractions to really start. We basically did this the entire day.

Oh, I forgot to mention, about 10 am that morning, we got a call from our alarm company saying that our alarm was going off. Oh joy! So my dad went over to check the place out and everything was fine - just a false alarm. We ended up getting a total of THREE false alarms while I was in labor (one of which was at 2:30 in the morning!)! Um, hello! That is way too much stress for a pregnant woman in labor! I think my cat was going crazy or something, because we still have no idea what would have set off the motion detectors.
All I can say is that I hated our alarm that day.

About 10:00 pm on the 10th, the contractions started to really get going. Jared was exhausted and so he ended up sleeping while I labored a bit. What a wimp. He slept longer than me, had a HUGE energy drink, and was still asleep before I was. Lame. About midnight, things started getting painful and I was at a 4. The nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural then and I decided I wanted to labor a little longer before I got one. Now keep in mind I had always planned to have an epidural, I just didn't want to slow things down before they really got going! At about 4:00 am I was at a 6 and felt comfortable getting an epidural then so that I could rest and relax before I needed to push.

This epidural was NOT as good as the one I got with Christian. The anesthesiologist had me sit on the bed and kind of kept rearranging me until she thought I looked level. I felt level and she said, "I think your right side is a little too far forward" so she had me move it farther back. This felt "uneven" to me, but I didn't say anything...and I should have! She gave me the epidural and it hurt SO BADLY but only on my right side, and then...only my right side went numb. Awesome. I couldn't even move that right leg. It was the most bizarre feeling and I hated it. I told them the problem and so they just pumped more drugs in. That took all the pain away, but now my right side was completely immovable.

I was able to sleep a bit, like I said, and about 9:30, the pain started again..and it was bad. They checked me and I was at a 10. Again, the pain was localized on the left side. The anesthesiologist came back and finally did SOMETHING to help with the pain on the left side. I began to push a bit because it felt better, and "labor down" for about 45 minutes.This is where things started to suck. For some reason, when I would push, baby's heart rate would drop, but only if I was on my back or on my left side. So they had me lay on my right side with my left leg in the air, gripping the side of the bed to push. Uh....that's all I want to do, keep my leg in the air! They also put an oxygen mask on me, which is horrible. It's huge and hot and heavy and you feel like you can't breathe...all I wanted to do was rip it off my face! The whole time I was just praying that the baby would be okay. So many people have had to get emergency c-sections because the baby's heart rate would drop as they were pushing and I was just terrified that after 27 hours of labor, I would end up getting a c-section! Luckily, she stabilized and I was able to roll onto my back and begin to push.

From the first push, Jared, Dr. Knight and the two nurses said, "I can see hair!". They were so encouraging! Well, if you have seen pictures of her you know she has A LOT of hair, so she probably wasn't as close as everyone thought! lol

I ended up pushing for 15 minutes and all of a sudden the doctor said, "Oh! There are eyes! She is face up!" and the nurses said, "She is sunny-side up!". They had NO IDEA that she was face up until they saw her eyes because she had soooooooooooo much hair, they thought it was the back of her head! hahaha My doctor said that it was pretty impressive that I pushed out a baby face-up in 15 minutes, and that it was the equivalent of delivering a 12 pound baby, so now he knows I have nothing to worry about with big babies...uhhh....thanks doc. I hope he didn't jinx me!

So baby was born and she gave out the weirdest, deepest cry I have ever heard...it was more like a moan. It creeped me out. THEN, they put her on my chest and it was like deja vu. This little girl looked JUST LIKE Christian. It was beyond bizarre and I was speechless. Then they weighed and measured her and she was almost EXACTLY the same size as Christian had been. I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was reliving my first birth experience. She was beautiful though, and Jared was instantly in love, it was adorable.

Now here are the pictures you have been waiting for!

Here she is right after birth. Leila Ruth Joyner. Such a sweetie!

Oh, I forgot to mention. I ended up getting poked 3 times for the IV. This is the aftermath of try number 2!

These pictures are both taken within the first 5 days of life. My beautiful babies.

Look at those squishy cheeks!

Christian loves to pick out Leila's headbands. Here he is sporting his favorite!

Jared has more pictures on his phone, and I asked for them, but....as you can see, he hasn't complied. He is fired. I will have to take matters into my own hands ;)

All in all, we are settling in. Leila is pretty much the best baby ever, so I am trying to enjoy it before she turns into a complete hormonal mess when she is older. The hardest part was WAKING HER UP to eat. She basically slept the first two weeks and it was frustrating trying to get her to eat. Now she is on a 3-hour schedule like a champ and sleeps 5-6 hours a night. Basically - amazing. In other words, I should not look as tired and haggard as I do :) We are still getting to know each other, but she is a sweet girl and definitely Daddy's little princess already!

Are you worried?

I know, I know, I post something awful like that and then you don't hear from me for almost 2 weeks!

I wish I could say that I have been healed and everything is hunky-dorey, but it's not. I will, however, say that things do not feel as dire as they did. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends and family who have reached out to support me through my mini-crisis.

Here's an update: I cry a lot still, but I am having more fun with Christian and he and I are getting more into a routine. At least now I don't feel like SUCH a bad mom.

I went to an ultrasound of baby girl so they could estimate her size and while there, the doctor did a close-up of her face and you could already see the outline of chubby cheeks and the fuzz of hair. It made things a lot more real, but in a GOOD way. I am not just focusing on the fact that I will be having another kid who will be high-maintenance...now I am focusing on the fact that I am having a baby girl who has CHUBBY CHEEKS! She's real, and I feel blessed to be a mom. Do you know what else helped make this baby girl feel real? Making headbands for her. A big shout out to my friend Stephanie for coming down and supplying me with the tools and knowledge to make some simple headbands for this little girl!

At the ultrasound, they estimated her weight to be about 8 lbs. Luckily, not as big as my doctor thought. This is GREAT news because he was thinking I would have to either be induced at 38 weeks (which would be TOMORROW!) or schedule me for an ultrasound. Since she was only 8 lbs, he is letting me go to June 10th (2 days before my due date) before he will induce me. My induction with Christian was pretty much a nightmare though, so I am praying that she gets to come on her own sometime before the 10th.

I got to visit my dear sister in law Morgan and her family this weekend. It was a gamble since I was about 2 1/2 weeks from my due date, but one that I decided was worth it. So Christian and I hopped into the car on Thursday and drove the 7 hours or so down to SoCal to visit. I had a great time, and a much needed break from life. We talked and laughed and she reassured me that "mom guilt" is normal, and that having two kids is an adjustment, but that I will figure it out. Mostly, she took me to frozen yogurt TWICE and still managed to help me keep my blood sugar numbers where they needed to be. Basically, it was an amazing trip.

The moral of the story is: things are hard sometimes, but with the love of family, friends and a Father in Heaven who hears and understands my barely coherent sobbing prayers, I know now that I can get through this. It isn't easy and some days are definitely better than others, but now I know the world isn't ending and life will go on.

Here's a picture I took of myself at the doctor's office last week at 37 weeks. My face still cracks me up.

If you are looking for a happy post - this one is not for you

Warning: This is a very open and honest post, which may shed me in a bad light. If you can't love me despite my weaknesses, then please skip this one. 

I try really hard to be positive; I think most people do. So let me just start off with some of the positives:

I am off work for 3-4 months - yay! Granted, it's because I am having a baby, but whatevs
I have a sweet, curious, loving, little boy who makes the same faces as me...which makes me laugh
I have an attentive and sweet husband who tries so hard and who loves me, even when I fall short
I am surrounded by family and friends who buoy me up and provide a great support system

I am a lucky girl.

But even lucky girls have a hard time. I am STRUGGLING with staying home with Christian, and overwhelmed by the prospect of having another kid vying for my time. Wednesday, it took basically all I had to not scream at Christian (in fact, I think I did finally scream "SHUT UP!" which I have never done before. Not a good day emotionally for me...), and I may have called Jared in tears for him to talk me down because I felt like a crazy person. Yesterday, all I did was let Christian watch tv. I feel like a horrible mother.

Let me back up here. When I went to the class about gestational diabetes, they had each of us fill out information about ourselves and how we were feeling, etc...Well, come to find out, the reason they had us fill it out is because a social worker was going to look through our answers. They told us that at the end of the class, and I just kind of laughed to myself.

I got a call the next day.

The social worker left a message and said she was really concerned about my stress levels and that I was a candidate for post-partum depression and to call her back.

I was shocked. Me? Depression? How could she even think something like that? I am SO BLESSED!

Needless to say, I called her back, if only to assure her that I was fine.

Turns out, I am not fine. As we talked, for about 20 minutes or so, I came to realize that she was right. I am barely holding it together, and I have been barely holding it together for so long that I didn't even realize it's not normal/healthy whatever. I feel out of control - out of my element - being at home with Christian. The thought of having another child is completely overwhelming to me. Our financial situation is extremely volatile because my husband works for himself and our income depends on how many clients he gets into the salon on any given week...and I am not in control of any of this. Try telling a control freak to relax and not worry about things outside my control.

I feel broken. I am not the girl who gets flustered when things go wrong - I am the girl people come to for strength and reassurance.

Christian is my pride and joy - how can I feel so out of my element raising him full time?

I have wanted a little girl my entire life and now that I have one on the way, why am I terrified?

These are all of the questions I am asking myself, and honestly I don't have any good answers. All I want is to be able to love my boy and this little girl who will bless our home. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore, but I don't even know where to start.

I decided the best place to start was to write it down and admit that something is wrong. Isn't that the first step to recovery - admitting you have a problem? Okay, so this is me telling you and myself that I have a problem, but the real question is, "Where do I go from here?".

Lured Away

I was relaying a story to my mother in law and she wisely told me, "Write it down!". You always think you will remember the funny stories about your kids, but seriously...you don't!

So picture this:

Christian and Elaine (who is 9 months older than him) were at my parent's house the other day. My dad is sitting down eating a sandwich and there is an open bag of Fritos next to him that he is munching on. The kids are perched on their bar stools at the counter eating their lunch.

All of a sudden both jump up, with no words exchanged (or so I am told) and jet into my Dad's office...which just happens to house my Dad's m&m candy machine. My dad sits for a minute and he starts to hear them close the door so he gets up to intervene believing that they went in to try and steal some m&m's. He walks over, starts to push the doors open and both kids RUN OUT, run to the table, they each grab a handful of Fritos and then jet down the hallway!! haha Those two little trouble maker's LURED HIM AWAY! I couldn't believe it....and yet, I could totally believe it. Those cousins are thick as thieves.

Love my kiddo - even when he's too smart for his own good, and I love that he has so many cousins he loves surrounding him! We are extremely blessed!

One of my all-time favorite pictures of these two.

7 Months

Okay, so looking at these shots now, I see that Jared was standing way too close! But at least it gives you an idea of how I am looking right now. Mostly tired ;)



Straight on Jared says I don't look pregnant. I am not sure if that's true, but I will definitely go along with it!




Aaaaaaannnnddd here's the baby bump. Not too shabby for 33 weeks!

 This was taken the day I found out about gestational diabetes and hypertension. Can we talk about that for a sec?

Let me just preface this by saying, I KNOW everything will be okay. I can manage this with my diet, I am sure, and the hypertension...well, I will do my best. I know people mean well, but I don't need everyone reassuring me that things will be okay. Can a girl just have a little time to work through and grieve/get pissed, please? Can someone just validate that it is OKAY to feel this way, just for a little bit?

 Here's the facts:

-I had high blood pressure with Christian, so I knew I was more likely to develop it again with this baby.
-The gestational diabetes is actually not too bad. My fasting number is what was high. Once I took the sugar drink, my body actually processed the sugar just fine.
-I should not need insulin to manage the diabetes.
-My doctor has my last day of work as May 3rd. It is almost exactly the same amount of time before my due date as it was when I had to take off for Christian.
-Other than the normal discomfort that goes hand-in-hand with pregnancy, I actually feel really good.
- I will need weekly doctor's appointments and 2 non-stress tests each week along with testing my blood sugar 4 times a day.
-The best thing for me will be to rest and to eat small meals at regular intervals.

Here's the feelings:

Honestly, I am angry. I took REALLY good care of myself this time. No over-eating, exercise, fairly good rest (considering I am the mom of a 2 year old)...I am mad at my body for letting this happen. I mean, I have only gained EIGHT POUNDS in 33 weeks! Are you kidding me!? How could I possibly be "sick" again?

I am blaming myself. What if I was thinner when I got pregnant? What if I give my baby girl diabetes along with a freaking heart defect? What if? What if? WHAT IF!?

Don't get me wrong, I will do anything I can to bring a healthy, *hopefully* beautiful, little girl into this world. I don't care if all I can eat is salad and cardboard! I am so excited to meet her! I just wish I didn't have to be on "bed rest" (side note this term is hilarious to me considering I have an active toddler).

So there you have it. I am an upset, but optimistic pregnant woman dealing with yet another blow regarding the health of herself and baby :)

Once Upon A Dream

I woke up this morning PISSED at Jared.

Why, you ask?

Because I had a dream that got me all ticked off at him and when I woke up, I was still mad!

Is this normal?

No, probably not.

I swear I couldn't help it though, I just wanted to yell at him.

I told him about my dream and he laughed...and oddly enough, that just made me even more upset. ;)

Hormones are fun. That is all.

Long overdue

Well, considering I am now 31 weeks, these pictures from 5 and 6 months are pretty out-dated. However, I want to at least have record, so for your viewing pleasure....

Here I am at 5 months! Jared and I were getting ready to head to the temple when I had him snap this little beauty. If I am not mistaken, I think I was 24ish weeks actually.



And here I am at 6 months. I think I was 27 weeks Yowza

 I am still feeling well and happily (although some days I am VERY nervous) awaiting baby girl. No, we haven't chosen a name yet. *Sigh* Hopefully we can agree on at least a few sometime soon. The nursery is not done, but in progress thanks to my wonderful mother. She has sewed curtains and a dust ruffle and is currently working on a baby quilt (I LOVE YOU MOM!) and I have done pretty much nothing else :) On my list is to get some baby girl clothes, diapers, and maybe a stuffed animal or something. So far she has 3 onesies and 3 pair of ruffley pants that won't fit her for 6 months. I better get on it! There just isn't enough time in the day ;) Let's hope she doesn't come early...well...a little early is okay, I guess! haha