If you are looking for a happy post - this one is not for you

Warning: This is a very open and honest post, which may shed me in a bad light. If you can't love me despite my weaknesses, then please skip this one. 

I try really hard to be positive; I think most people do. So let me just start off with some of the positives:

I am off work for 3-4 months - yay! Granted, it's because I am having a baby, but whatevs
I have a sweet, curious, loving, little boy who makes the same faces as me...which makes me laugh
I have an attentive and sweet husband who tries so hard and who loves me, even when I fall short
I am surrounded by family and friends who buoy me up and provide a great support system

I am a lucky girl.

But even lucky girls have a hard time. I am STRUGGLING with staying home with Christian, and overwhelmed by the prospect of having another kid vying for my time. Wednesday, it took basically all I had to not scream at Christian (in fact, I think I did finally scream "SHUT UP!" which I have never done before. Not a good day emotionally for me...), and I may have called Jared in tears for him to talk me down because I felt like a crazy person. Yesterday, all I did was let Christian watch tv. I feel like a horrible mother.

Let me back up here. When I went to the class about gestational diabetes, they had each of us fill out information about ourselves and how we were feeling, etc...Well, come to find out, the reason they had us fill it out is because a social worker was going to look through our answers. They told us that at the end of the class, and I just kind of laughed to myself.

I got a call the next day.

The social worker left a message and said she was really concerned about my stress levels and that I was a candidate for post-partum depression and to call her back.

I was shocked. Me? Depression? How could she even think something like that? I am SO BLESSED!

Needless to say, I called her back, if only to assure her that I was fine.

Turns out, I am not fine. As we talked, for about 20 minutes or so, I came to realize that she was right. I am barely holding it together, and I have been barely holding it together for so long that I didn't even realize it's not normal/healthy whatever. I feel out of control - out of my element - being at home with Christian. The thought of having another child is completely overwhelming to me. Our financial situation is extremely volatile because my husband works for himself and our income depends on how many clients he gets into the salon on any given week...and I am not in control of any of this. Try telling a control freak to relax and not worry about things outside my control.

I feel broken. I am not the girl who gets flustered when things go wrong - I am the girl people come to for strength and reassurance.

Christian is my pride and joy - how can I feel so out of my element raising him full time?

I have wanted a little girl my entire life and now that I have one on the way, why am I terrified?

These are all of the questions I am asking myself, and honestly I don't have any good answers. All I want is to be able to love my boy and this little girl who will bless our home. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore, but I don't even know where to start.

I decided the best place to start was to write it down and admit that something is wrong. Isn't that the first step to recovery - admitting you have a problem? Okay, so this is me telling you and myself that I have a problem, but the real question is, "Where do I go from here?".