Are you worried?

I know, I know, I post something awful like that and then you don't hear from me for almost 2 weeks!

I wish I could say that I have been healed and everything is hunky-dorey, but it's not. I will, however, say that things do not feel as dire as they did. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends and family who have reached out to support me through my mini-crisis.

Here's an update: I cry a lot still, but I am having more fun with Christian and he and I are getting more into a routine. At least now I don't feel like SUCH a bad mom.

I went to an ultrasound of baby girl so they could estimate her size and while there, the doctor did a close-up of her face and you could already see the outline of chubby cheeks and the fuzz of hair. It made things a lot more real, but in a GOOD way. I am not just focusing on the fact that I will be having another kid who will be high-maintenance...now I am focusing on the fact that I am having a baby girl who has CHUBBY CHEEKS! She's real, and I feel blessed to be a mom. Do you know what else helped make this baby girl feel real? Making headbands for her. A big shout out to my friend Stephanie for coming down and supplying me with the tools and knowledge to make some simple headbands for this little girl!

At the ultrasound, they estimated her weight to be about 8 lbs. Luckily, not as big as my doctor thought. This is GREAT news because he was thinking I would have to either be induced at 38 weeks (which would be TOMORROW!) or schedule me for an ultrasound. Since she was only 8 lbs, he is letting me go to June 10th (2 days before my due date) before he will induce me. My induction with Christian was pretty much a nightmare though, so I am praying that she gets to come on her own sometime before the 10th.

I got to visit my dear sister in law Morgan and her family this weekend. It was a gamble since I was about 2 1/2 weeks from my due date, but one that I decided was worth it. So Christian and I hopped into the car on Thursday and drove the 7 hours or so down to SoCal to visit. I had a great time, and a much needed break from life. We talked and laughed and she reassured me that "mom guilt" is normal, and that having two kids is an adjustment, but that I will figure it out. Mostly, she took me to frozen yogurt TWICE and still managed to help me keep my blood sugar numbers where they needed to be. Basically, it was an amazing trip.

The moral of the story is: things are hard sometimes, but with the love of family, friends and a Father in Heaven who hears and understands my barely coherent sobbing prayers, I know now that I can get through this. It isn't easy and some days are definitely better than others, but now I know the world isn't ending and life will go on.

Here's a picture I took of myself at the doctor's office last week at 37 weeks. My face still cracks me up.

If you are looking for a happy post - this one is not for you

Warning: This is a very open and honest post, which may shed me in a bad light. If you can't love me despite my weaknesses, then please skip this one. 

I try really hard to be positive; I think most people do. So let me just start off with some of the positives:

I am off work for 3-4 months - yay! Granted, it's because I am having a baby, but whatevs
I have a sweet, curious, loving, little boy who makes the same faces as me...which makes me laugh
I have an attentive and sweet husband who tries so hard and who loves me, even when I fall short
I am surrounded by family and friends who buoy me up and provide a great support system

I am a lucky girl.

But even lucky girls have a hard time. I am STRUGGLING with staying home with Christian, and overwhelmed by the prospect of having another kid vying for my time. Wednesday, it took basically all I had to not scream at Christian (in fact, I think I did finally scream "SHUT UP!" which I have never done before. Not a good day emotionally for me...), and I may have called Jared in tears for him to talk me down because I felt like a crazy person. Yesterday, all I did was let Christian watch tv. I feel like a horrible mother.

Let me back up here. When I went to the class about gestational diabetes, they had each of us fill out information about ourselves and how we were feeling, etc...Well, come to find out, the reason they had us fill it out is because a social worker was going to look through our answers. They told us that at the end of the class, and I just kind of laughed to myself.

I got a call the next day.

The social worker left a message and said she was really concerned about my stress levels and that I was a candidate for post-partum depression and to call her back.

I was shocked. Me? Depression? How could she even think something like that? I am SO BLESSED!

Needless to say, I called her back, if only to assure her that I was fine.

Turns out, I am not fine. As we talked, for about 20 minutes or so, I came to realize that she was right. I am barely holding it together, and I have been barely holding it together for so long that I didn't even realize it's not normal/healthy whatever. I feel out of control - out of my element - being at home with Christian. The thought of having another child is completely overwhelming to me. Our financial situation is extremely volatile because my husband works for himself and our income depends on how many clients he gets into the salon on any given week...and I am not in control of any of this. Try telling a control freak to relax and not worry about things outside my control.

I feel broken. I am not the girl who gets flustered when things go wrong - I am the girl people come to for strength and reassurance.

Christian is my pride and joy - how can I feel so out of my element raising him full time?

I have wanted a little girl my entire life and now that I have one on the way, why am I terrified?

These are all of the questions I am asking myself, and honestly I don't have any good answers. All I want is to be able to love my boy and this little girl who will bless our home. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore, but I don't even know where to start.

I decided the best place to start was to write it down and admit that something is wrong. Isn't that the first step to recovery - admitting you have a problem? Okay, so this is me telling you and myself that I have a problem, but the real question is, "Where do I go from here?".

Lured Away

I was relaying a story to my mother in law and she wisely told me, "Write it down!". You always think you will remember the funny stories about your kids, but seriously...you don't!

So picture this:

Christian and Elaine (who is 9 months older than him) were at my parent's house the other day. My dad is sitting down eating a sandwich and there is an open bag of Fritos next to him that he is munching on. The kids are perched on their bar stools at the counter eating their lunch.

All of a sudden both jump up, with no words exchanged (or so I am told) and jet into my Dad's office...which just happens to house my Dad's m&m candy machine. My dad sits for a minute and he starts to hear them close the door so he gets up to intervene believing that they went in to try and steal some m&m's. He walks over, starts to push the doors open and both kids RUN OUT, run to the table, they each grab a handful of Fritos and then jet down the hallway!! haha Those two little trouble maker's LURED HIM AWAY! I couldn't believe it....and yet, I could totally believe it. Those cousins are thick as thieves.

Love my kiddo - even when he's too smart for his own good, and I love that he has so many cousins he loves surrounding him! We are extremely blessed!

One of my all-time favorite pictures of these two.

7 Months

Okay, so looking at these shots now, I see that Jared was standing way too close! But at least it gives you an idea of how I am looking right now. Mostly tired ;)



Straight on Jared says I don't look pregnant. I am not sure if that's true, but I will definitely go along with it!




Aaaaaaannnnddd here's the baby bump. Not too shabby for 33 weeks!

 This was taken the day I found out about gestational diabetes and hypertension. Can we talk about that for a sec?

Let me just preface this by saying, I KNOW everything will be okay. I can manage this with my diet, I am sure, and the hypertension...well, I will do my best. I know people mean well, but I don't need everyone reassuring me that things will be okay. Can a girl just have a little time to work through and grieve/get pissed, please? Can someone just validate that it is OKAY to feel this way, just for a little bit?

 Here's the facts:

-I had high blood pressure with Christian, so I knew I was more likely to develop it again with this baby.
-The gestational diabetes is actually not too bad. My fasting number is what was high. Once I took the sugar drink, my body actually processed the sugar just fine.
-I should not need insulin to manage the diabetes.
-My doctor has my last day of work as May 3rd. It is almost exactly the same amount of time before my due date as it was when I had to take off for Christian.
-Other than the normal discomfort that goes hand-in-hand with pregnancy, I actually feel really good.
- I will need weekly doctor's appointments and 2 non-stress tests each week along with testing my blood sugar 4 times a day.
-The best thing for me will be to rest and to eat small meals at regular intervals.

Here's the feelings:

Honestly, I am angry. I took REALLY good care of myself this time. No over-eating, exercise, fairly good rest (considering I am the mom of a 2 year old)...I am mad at my body for letting this happen. I mean, I have only gained EIGHT POUNDS in 33 weeks! Are you kidding me!? How could I possibly be "sick" again?

I am blaming myself. What if I was thinner when I got pregnant? What if I give my baby girl diabetes along with a freaking heart defect? What if? What if? WHAT IF!?

Don't get me wrong, I will do anything I can to bring a healthy, *hopefully* beautiful, little girl into this world. I don't care if all I can eat is salad and cardboard! I am so excited to meet her! I just wish I didn't have to be on "bed rest" (side note this term is hilarious to me considering I have an active toddler).

So there you have it. I am an upset, but optimistic pregnant woman dealing with yet another blow regarding the health of herself and baby :)

Once Upon A Dream

I woke up this morning PISSED at Jared.

Why, you ask?

Because I had a dream that got me all ticked off at him and when I woke up, I was still mad!

Is this normal?

No, probably not.

I swear I couldn't help it though, I just wanted to yell at him.

I told him about my dream and he laughed...and oddly enough, that just made me even more upset. ;)

Hormones are fun. That is all.

Long overdue

Well, considering I am now 31 weeks, these pictures from 5 and 6 months are pretty out-dated. However, I want to at least have record, so for your viewing pleasure....

Here I am at 5 months! Jared and I were getting ready to head to the temple when I had him snap this little beauty. If I am not mistaken, I think I was 24ish weeks actually.



And here I am at 6 months. I think I was 27 weeks Yowza

 I am still feeling well and happily (although some days I am VERY nervous) awaiting baby girl. No, we haven't chosen a name yet. *Sigh* Hopefully we can agree on at least a few sometime soon. The nursery is not done, but in progress thanks to my wonderful mother. She has sewed curtains and a dust ruffle and is currently working on a baby quilt (I LOVE YOU MOM!) and I have done pretty much nothing else :) On my list is to get some baby girl clothes, diapers, and maybe a stuffed animal or something. So far she has 3 onesies and 3 pair of ruffley pants that won't fit her for 6 months. I better get on it! There just isn't enough time in the day ;) Let's hope she doesn't come early...well...a little early is okay, I guess! haha

It's the small things in life...

We bought a house!

It's official, as of Tuesday March 19th, we are homeowners :)

I am so happy that things went through as smoothly as they did.

Since I am the only one in my family that plays the piano, my mom has said for years, that once I bought my first home, the family piano would be mine.

Isn't it beautiful? I am so happy! Christian and I have been playing practically every night. I can't believe how good it feels to be playing again. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means an excellent pianist, but just to have music in my home again feels like such a blessing! Plus, how nice is it that I can play the piano when we sing our Family Home Evening songs, right!?