I finally understand

Today, I finally understand the difference between tired and...weary.

When I was working full time with two little kids, one a nursing infant, I was tiiiiiired. Exhausted, really. There was never enough time in the day. My days were long...sometimes being awake 20-22 hours of the day. It was non-stop. I remember being at work and being so tired that I would literally doze off as I was pumping milk for my baby's feedings the next day.

I remember that. And to you working moms, my hat is off to you. Please know I feel your pain. I am validating you.

Since Christian is not in school yet, this past year has been kind of a blur. I am tired and worn out, but in a different way. Instead of having a few hours with my kids each day and working hard to spend some of my best time with them, now I have them all day every day, except for a few precious hours each week I may get to myself. I still don't usually get enough sleep. Most nights Christian sleeps through without waking up, but Leila is still a wild card. I stay up later than I should working on the house, cleaning, doing projects I want to do, getting things done. I am tired. But more than anything I am WEARY.

I am weary from being a mom to two little kids with a husband who works two jobs to try and support us. I am weary from the endless dishes and laundry and cleaning and messes and potty training.
I am weary from trying to be a good mom AND a good wife AND a good member of my church AND a good friend AND a good and charitable person.
I am weary from carrying the guilt around that I am not a good enough Mom; that I need to be more. I hate feeling like my kids watch too much tv or don't eat what they should or don't have enough stimulation or that I don't read to them enough. I am weary from not feeling like I am ENOUGH.
I am weary from the stress of trying to cut our monthly costs more and more and more and still not having what we need. 

I got enough sleep last night thanks to a wonderful husband who took our screaming daughter to the couch. So I am not tired. I don't feel exhausted and like I need to go lay down.

And yet....

I feel like I need to go and lay down just from the sheer weight of my responsibilities. Am I the only one who feels that way? Probably. I seem to be the only mom that can't handle two kids with a smile and take them to all the activities and them come home and do crafts and teach them something new every day. I feel like the only mom who can't seem to stick to a budget. I feel like the only mom who can't manage my household and find time to do a job on the side. Am I? Am I the only one?

Leila: Months 17-18

Let me begin by saying that I have decided I am stopping her monthly updates after this post. I just want to write that down so that when I look back I won't think I just started slacking. I realized that with Christian I stopped doing the monthly updates at 12 months, so really, I am just being an over-achiever anyway!

Okay, with that out of the way, here's a look at Leila during October and November! I wish I could say that things are better! I feel like every month there is a glimmer of a happy kid and so I focus on that when I post, but the past few months have been hard. Really hard. The things she does like are:

-The movie Frozen
-String Cheese
-Sweets
-Christian's Blanket
-Goldfish (that's new!!)
-Running off down the street
-Animals and soft plush toys
-Screaming, flailing and flopping while she throws a fit over not being understood

The things she hates are:

-Brushing her teeth
-Not getting her way
-Having her diaper changed (think, "Screaming Banshee")
-Vegetables and most fruit...and meat...and milk...it's a problem!
-Bows, headbands, rubber bands, or anything that keeps her crazy hair out of her face

 Playing on the wooden train with Christian. I took probably 25 different shots and NEITHER of them would look at me. Punks.

 She LOOOOOOVED crawling through the tunnel part of the train. SO cute.

Riding the carousel was, by far, her favorite activity at Bishop's Pumpkin Farm this year!

 This month, one of our family activities was going to pick mandarin's from a friend's house in Penryn. The kids had a blast. Leila really just liked running into the street, but whatev's. Here she is practicing jumping!

She's not short, she is crouching down, ready to jump!

 After mandarin picking, Jared had a quick haircut to do, so I dropped him off and the kids and I ran down to the McDonald's by his work to get an ice cream cone. She is happily eating Christian's cone in these pictures. When I tried to give it back to him she melted down. I am talking 45 minutes of complete and utter chaos. And yes, I was the crazy mom holding two crying kids as I am dragging them out of McDonald's, and yes...I was in tears too. So much fun!

 Other big news is that I have officially weaned her! I was just...done. I needed some space. I took the plunge and cut her off. She was NOT happy, but she hasn't died yet, so I consider it a win. To celebrate, she and I went and shared a cookies and cream milkshake from Chick-fil-a. Haven't had one yet? Go get one and thank me later.

I know, I know. You look at these pictures and think, "She is so sweet! How can her Mom say things like that about her???"

Here's how. Enjoy a tantrum.

Little girl feeds herself

On Halloween we took advantage of Chipotle's $3 Booritos! Leila pretty much took over my delicious burrito bowl as her own, but lucky for her she is cute so I didn't mind too much. Plus, I knew I would be eating all of her Halloween candy, so I figured it was an equal trade. Happy Halloween!

Leila at 16 Months

I am writing this post at the tail-end of some really horrible days with Leila, so I hope that this can be positive! The truth is, she has been sick (an infection) and crabby and not eating and nursing non-stop and not sleeping, and basically an all-around JOY to be around for about 11 days. The good news is: she is feeling better and eating and sleeping again, which means that Mom is no longer a walking zombie on the verge of tears :)

This past month has been a lot of fun. Christian going to preschool has opened up a little more one-on-one time for Leila and I, and that's been a good thing. Her personality, while still completely stubborn (I am trying to figure out where she got that trait! haha), is starting to shine through and we are having fun getting know each other even better. She is definitely independent and likes to do things herself. She is content to walk around with not even a glance backward to see if I am there.

Here is Leila at a glance at 16 months:
-She still loves to eat rice, bananas, and anything sweet, but this month she has added things like yogurt, veggie straws, applesauce, mashed cauliflower, and string cheese!
-Leila LOVES animals. She had a blast at Aunt Terri's house with her cats, dog and bird to stare at and follow. Our cat Dora is still her main squeeze though.
-Walking is now second-nature to her and she is getting MUCH faster, but she still keeps her arms up by her torso like she is T-Rex and that's just hilarious.
-She officially has all her teeth either in, or broken through.
-For head and height she is in the 70th percentile and for weight, she is 30th percentile. I keep telling her food is yummy, but so far she doesn't trust me.

The question is: Is SHE in the cage or am I? ;)

Mmmmm...more proof of food being eaten!

And for those of you interested in seeing a little piece of her personality, you can view it here.

Leila at 15 Months

Er....more like 15 1/2 months at this point! Where has the time gone? I feel like the past 2 weeks have just disappeared before my eyes.

With Christian starting Preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays and his gymnastics on Fridays, we are all finally back into life and routine. We go to bed at a reasonable time and wake up at a reasonable time. It is crazy! Is this what real life is supposed to be like? 'Cause if so, I want my money back.

This is Leila at the park while her brother is at preschool. I think she is loving the one-on-one time with mama.

Leila at 15 months is absolutely THRIVING. It feels so good to say that! For 5 months, since she started crawling, she has been the most horrible, difficult, frustrating baby EVER. EEEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRR. I actually cried to my mom about a month ago because she was so hard that I was struggling to have a relationship with her.

Bam. There. I said it. She was like my biggest nightmare. When she started crawling, she stopped sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time. We are talking newborn status. She was starving, mostly, but she wouldn't eat any food. She would follow me around the house screaming and crying for hours every day. I would hold her, snuggle her, try to feed her, try to nurse her, try to put her to sleep. Nothing. She was inconsolable about 12-15 hours a day for 5 months.Don't get me wrong. There were some good days sprinkled here and there...I usually write blog posts and post pictures on those days ;)

And then a great thing happened. She discovered she liked rice! And peeled grapes. And that has led to more and more willingness to eat food. Hurray! We are down to 3 nursing sessions a day (still 3 more than I want, but hey, baby steps!) and she is regularly sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Usually she wakes up 2 or 3 times, but she is able to settle herself within a few minutes. Can I get an AMEN!?

Things aren't perfect. We still have a long way to go in terms of getting her to transition to full solids, but I am happy.

At 15 months she is walking like a champ...and getting fast! She loves to snuggle stuffed animals and her brother's blue blanket. Her favorite foods are rice, crackers, bananas, and Cheerios. She still loves water and won't touch milk or juice. She can say, Mama, Dada, Heago (Here you go), Peas (please) and we are working on UP! She loves to snuggle anyone and everyone, although she does tend to cling to me quite a bit lately. She and Christian are pretty much inseparable...much to Christian's chagrin. But he is fairly sweet to her most of the time. Until he has had a enough and kicks her in the head or something. Oh brothers....

All in all, things are going pretty well around here. I am striving to enjoy the time that I have home with the kids, but I can't enjoy every moment. Just trying to enjoy the moments I CAN!

Christian's First Day of Preschool and turning 3 1/2

This morning Christian woke up really excited. He knew today was his first day of Preschool and he couldn't wait to get dressed. Melanie planned to do pictures today and so Jared helped Christian get dressed into something other than a Lightning McQueen t-shirt. When he came out of his room, I almost laughed. He was wearing super cute grey shorts, my favorite button-up shirt of his in a periwinkle blue, and....a Lightning McQueen red shirt peeking out from underneath. lol Some things just don't change!

My mom came over to watch Leila so that I could take Christian to school and stay with him, if needed. We took a few pictures in front of the house, at Jared's request, and then hopped into the car. When we got to school, Christian went in with no problems at all, but all of the other Mom's left, and Melanie's helper is sick, so I felt bad leaving her there alone. I am glad I stayed! It was nice to see how things were run and also I think it was nice to have someone else to help. Things could have, very easily, gotten pretty crazy!

They had practice tracing their names, phone numbers and nicknames. They did song time, went over the letter and number of the day, the weather and day of the week. She had snack and recess and the First Day of School pictures. It was great! I am so glad that we decided to put Christian in this school. I think he will flourish. And I am so glad that Leila and I can have a little one on one time two days a week for two hours.

In other news, Christian is officially 3 1/2.  Sometimes I am shocked that he is 3 1/2...and other days I can't believe how slowly time is moving ;) He still eats great, sleeps wonderfully and is healthy and happy. He is getting more confident and active and I love watching him try new things. He is in a gymnastics class which has really been helping him strengthen his body. It has been so fun! Here are some pictures of him dressed as a pirate.

He is 95% potty trained during the day and often wakes with a dry diaper, so we are working through that still. His best friends are Elaine, Ellie and Brooklyn. His favorite foods are ice cream, macaroni and cheese, grapes, and yogurt. He still loves the movie Cars (and Cars 2) and has just fell in love with The Lego Movie. He can do a somersault and is working on his handstand. I am grateful for Christian. I am one proud mama seeing how he interacts with others and how quickly he is learning. Love him.

The Promised Walking Video

Here she is in all of her glory. This was taken a couple of weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to upload it. Isn't she cute!?