Today, I finally understand the difference between tired and...weary.
When I was working full time with two little kids, one a nursing infant, I was tiiiiiired. Exhausted, really. There was never enough time in the day. My days were long...sometimes being awake 20-22 hours of the day. It was non-stop. I remember being at work and being so tired that I would literally doze off as I was pumping milk for my baby's feedings the next day.
I remember that. And to you working moms, my hat is off to you. Please know I feel your pain. I am validating you.
Since Christian is not in school yet, this past year has been kind of a blur. I am tired and worn out, but in a different way. Instead of having a few hours with my kids each day and working hard to spend some of my best time with them, now I have them all day every day, except for a few precious hours each week I may get to myself. I still don't usually get enough sleep. Most nights Christian sleeps through without waking up, but Leila is still a wild card. I stay up later than I should working on the house, cleaning, doing projects I want to do, getting things done. I am tired. But more than anything I am WEARY.
I am weary from being a mom to two little kids with a husband who works two jobs to try and support us. I am weary from the endless dishes and laundry and cleaning and messes and potty training.
I am weary from trying to be a good mom AND a good wife AND a good member of my church AND a good friend AND a good and charitable person.
I am weary from carrying the guilt around that I am not a good enough Mom; that I need to be more. I hate feeling like my kids watch too much tv or don't eat what they should or don't have enough stimulation or that I don't read to them enough. I am weary from not feeling like I am ENOUGH.
I am weary from the stress of trying to cut our monthly costs more and more and more and still not having what we need.
I got enough sleep last night thanks to a wonderful husband who took our screaming daughter to the couch. So I am not tired. I don't feel exhausted and like I need to go lay down.
And yet....
I feel like I need to go and lay down just from the sheer weight of my responsibilities. Am I the only one who feels that way? Probably. I seem to be the only mom that can't handle two kids with a smile and take them to all the activities and them come home and do crafts and teach them something new every day. I feel like the only mom who can't seem to stick to a budget. I feel like the only mom who can't manage my household and find time to do a job on the side. Am I? Am I the only one?
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Ha ha ha. Oh no, Lindsey, you are most definitely not alone in feeling that way. Most of us have felt that way, currently feel that way, or are glad we don't have kids and have never felt that way. Being a mother of young kids is the most horrible and wonderful thing, often more horrible that wonderful. And what you are going through will likely last a while. But the good news is that it won't last forever. You will face new challenges and weariness. Being a mother is an endurance sport. And you will endure. Those moms who look like they have it all together with their smiles and their juggling - they don't. They just hide their true feelings in the attempt to appear to be perfect moms. I can guarantee you they are often to be found closed in the laundry room rocking back and forth consoling themselves while their toddler eats five ice creams and the baby sticks things in the dvd player. You'll get through this. Beautifully. Love you.
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