Bad things happen in slow motion

This is not necessarily something that I want to blog about, but I do want to remember it, so here it goes...Don't judge me, okay?

Somehow I knew Saturday was going to be a bad day, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why I felt that way. I decided to just brush off any ansy feelings I had and go along with the plans in place. Christian woke up early (7:30...usually he sleeps until at least 8:30!) which happens rarely, so we got up and got ready so that we could go with a couple of my friends to the local Farmer's Market. The Farmer's Market is in a parking lot by our local Target where an old Sam's Club was. Usually I have Christian in a stroller, but since my friend was driving, I decided it would be too much of a hassle to load the stroller in the car. As we are walking up and down the aisles, Christian was EVERYWHERE, I could not seem to corral him and it was getting exhausting. Before I could catch up with him at one point as he was running up and down in front of the stands, he took a quick right and ran down to the next aisle where there was a car coming. I booked it over there, grabbed him and threw him over my shoulder. My heart was pounding and I was shaking. I vowed never to go the market again without him in the stroller.

After we ran a few more errands, I got a call from Jared. His last appointment of the day had cancelled. We decided to go to my work BBQ, which originally we hadn't planned on attending. It was my little sister's birthday that day, and she was having a party at our house. I had agreed to take Elaine and promised that we would stay out of the house until at least 9:30. Jared and I loaded up Christian and Elaine and headed out to Granite Bay to my old manager's house for the BBQ. When we got there, I realized my mistake. He had a pool and I had two kids who love to play in the water with no swimsuits or water wings or anything.

The party was fine for the most part. Although Jared gave the kids chocolate covered marshamallows and Christian totally wiped his hands and face all over my white shirt...awesome...(did I mention we were going to a wedding reception after the party?). The whole time I was watching the kids like a hawk. I kept herding them away from the pool and they kept getting as close to the edge as they could. Christian even went as far as to kneel down and reach into the pool to grab a toy out. I almost had a heart attack. As time went on though, I became less and less concerned and just kind of watched them as I sat talking with friends. Slowly people started to leave so it wasn't as crowded as it had been. Christian and Elaine both found a pool noodle to play with and they were just kind of smacking them in the water; the deep end of course. I sat along the house about 10 feet away talking with friends and texting my little sister Brooke on my phone. So I had my phone in my hand and a plate with a half eaten hot dog on my lap.

The rest I can tell you with surprising detail because time seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was looking at my friend Olivia with my head turned away from the kids. I heard a splash. I turned and saw Christian face down in the water in the deep end. There was a kid there, I think he's 7, who was floating on a swim noodle, so I think Christian hit that and it helped keep him somewhat afloat. I dropped my plate and phone on the ground and ran to the edge of the pool. I saw that Christian wasn't far from the edge and not too far down. Christian rolled off the noodle and was now face up and sinking. I try to decide: do I jump in or try to fish for him from the side? I decide that if I jump in, I may hit him, or push him deeper, or disorient myself and lose time. I lay at the edge of the pool and grab him and pull him out. He took in a lot of water. I sit him up and pound on his back. He starts coughing up water. Jared is now there. I pick Christian up and carry him back to the chairs. Jared grabs Elaine. I am shaking and trying not to cry in front of all my co-workers and bosses. The host, who is my old manager, asks what I need. He gets me a towel. I realize that I am completely unprepared. I don't have a change of clothes for Christian in his diaper bag! I have ALWAYS had a change of clothes in there before. I don't know what happened. His son is older and they were just getting ready to sell all of his baby clothes. He went out and grabbed Christian a romper to change into. I quickly changed Christian and got ready to leave because I was about to lose it. Christian was fine by the way. I was the one who was not fine. We left soon after. As we were leaving, one of my superiors made a comment about how impressed he was about how in control I was. I made a joke about always being able to be calm and collected in a time of crisis.  I made it to the driveway before I started sobbing uncontrollably.

It's amazing how quickly it actually happened. Two of the men said that I was already at the edge of the pool before they even realized what was going on. My old manager said that he was getting ready to jump in, phone and all, but I had already grabbed Christian.

The rest of the night was not much better. We took the kids to eat at Arby's afterward and when Christian and I were walking back from the bathroom, he tripped and hit his face and split his lip open. It was bleeding everywhere.

Needless to say, by the end of the night, I was a complete mess. My nerves were shot. I had nightmares all night of him in the water...face down. Or him face up looking at me as he started to sink. I couldn't sleep. In the morning, I had Jared give me a blessing of comfort. In the blessing, he said that Heavenly Father has plans for Christian and that He is watching over him. However, I was also cautioned that as a parent, I need to take every precaution to care for him and keep him safe. That resonated with me. Anyone who has met Christian knows that he is a tough kid. He is sturdy and strong. Sometimes, I don't think that I am as careful as I need to be BECAUSE Christian is so tough. This was a wake up call in the strongest sense.

Many people have relayed similar stories. I know that this happens. I know that as Christian gets older, that these things will continue to happen. I know now what it means to fear for your child's safety. I understand what it means to blame yourself when things go wrong. I would never wish this on anyone else.

I have always wondered what kind of mom I am. Am I the mom that will be frozen with fear like the women in movies...screaming for someone to help? Or am I a mom of action? Now I know.