4 Months

Tuesday marks the end of 4 months being off from work. That is the most time I have taken off from working since...well...since I started working, I think! It has been bitter sweet. I never, in a million years, would have thought that I would miss working, but there are definite days that I do. Being a stay at home mom is no joke. I think anyone who has ever talked to a stay at home mom has heard them say how difficult it is, and I knew it would be hard, but this is harder than I could have possibly imagined. Don't get me wrong, there are amazing parts - I love having my own schedule, I love not having to cram in laundry and shopping and cleaning and everything else in on my one day "off" (because let's be honest, for Mormons, Sunday is NOT a day off). I love watching Christian try new things, and run around like a crazy person and taking him to the park and just enjoying my time with him. I love nursing Leila and seeing her smile and light up and kick her legs and flail her arms when she hears my voice. I love that I don't have a whopping 3 hours with them each day when they are awake all the while trying to get dinner on the table and then cleaned up and them in bed. I love that I am the one who gets to take them to the doctor's appointments and that I am the one who gets to read them books and sing to them. I am so grateful for the time I have gotten to spend with them.

But there are some crazy times too. Christian is 2 - and while he is an incredible child, he is still freaking TWO. It is enough to drive a sane person crazy. Today, he decided it was a good idea to take his little plastic Lightning McQueen chair and put it on the couch and try to sit on it. Great idea! And before you judge me, I promise I do step in before he does crazy things if I believe that he will get REALLY hurt. But I also believe that you can't keep a kid in a box, and they need to be able to experience things, even the bad consequences of choices. So here he is sitting on this chair...on the couch, completely content with a big grin on his face when he topples over and hits his face on the arm of the chair. I just shake my head and try not to laugh when he comes to me crying. Here's the kicker - he got up and DID IT AGAIN. Even now I am just shaking my head. Toddlers are insane. He screams and cries and throws tantrums and knows how to push every single one of my buttons.

Man, I love that kid though. And Leila too, but she is as sweet as sugar and I don't have any fun stories of her...yet!

But I digress.

Tuesday I am scheduled to go back to work. It seems so surreal to me. I can't imagine walking back into that office again - I feel like I am not the same person as I was 4 months ago. With Christian, I went back to work when he was 6 weeks old; Leila will be 12 weeks and it still seems like she is too young. I don't know how people do this. But then I think about the crying and the tantrums and the obstinate children and I realize that I know EXACTLY how people do this. Is it terrible that I am so torn? Am I bad mom? Probably. But that doesn't change the fact that I am different. I am not a corporate woman anymore - someone driven to succeed and excel and move up the ladder. My priorities are different and there is no denying that. I am not sure what I am going to see when I put on that suit again and look at my reflection. Someone trying to play the part, I imagine.

While I am here, I may as well give you an update:

Christian is wonderful. He is sweet and funny and thoughtful. He is also a punk. One minute he will be caressing Leila's head and giving her a kiss, and the next trying to walk on her face. His voice still makes me laugh. There are things he says that I don't want to correct. "Mom, How DOOD DIS?" and "I want cereal and milk and SCRAAAAWBERRIES". He is trying to learn what makes us laugh. If we see something funny (or not) he will say, "Whaaat happened? It's funny?" He hates baths until he gets in and then I can't get him out. He would eat fruit snacks and soda all day everyday given the chance. He tries to talk me into either mac and cheese or McDonald's or sushi for just about every meal. I promise I don't fall for his sweet talking. He is loud and active and beautiful inside and out.

Leila is still perfect. You want a kid who eats like a champ and sleeps 8 or 10 or 12 hours straight a night, almost every night? You want a baby who smiles and coos when you talk to her or sing to her or play with her? You do? Because I have one - and it is amazing. What a blessing she has been. She loves when I sing songs with her and play pattycake with her feet. She hates baths 99% of the time and cries more when she is tired than hungry...and believe me, this girl is TIRED. She is such a sleepy kid, and I know how lucky I am. She is chubby and has crazy hair that sticks up pretty much every direction...basically, she is fabulous and I am grateful for her everyday.